The day that my daughter got the manageress of The Asian Market on Drury Street to actually, smile.  I remember it like it were only yesterday. As any other regular customer from there would tell you, this dragon-lady  is so mean and scary, she’d make Myra Hindley look like a Bolshoi ballerina. So on the greater scale of things, it is one hell of an achievement when your buggy bound two year old waves hello to said battleaxe and she waves back with a massive happy grin. Of course, as soon as she saw me she reverted back to demon woman of the Orient. But it was a touching moment nonetheless.

Not that I would ever let overly irritable, frightening females ever put me off somewhere. I am in The Asian Market at least once a week. And to be fair, the dragon- lady is actually quite cool once you get over the fear factor.  Provided she knows what you’re saying, she’s always quickly on the ball to help you. Yet due to the shop’s pretty vast size, there are always a large number of items there that will illicit the question: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? And due to the language barrier that will invariably exist between a gwilo like me and the staff there, you can’t really go around asking them all what everything is.  So you can imagine my delight when myself and a few others were given a guided tour of the Market, by someone whose parents are Vietnamese but was raised here in Sunny Dublin. Someone who knows what all those exotic bits and bobs are but also knows how terribly lost they are on clueless but greedy numpties like me. It was a brilliant experience that took about 1.5 hours and left a fairly profound but totally unregrettable  dent in my wallet.

We started at the fruit section and worked our way round from aisle to aisle til we hit the spice and rice section at the end.  I won’t bore you with the myriad of new tips I picked up and what went into the two stuffed bags I brought home with me. Instead, I will say 3 words that have been stuck in my brain ever since: Fresh Water Chestnuts.  They were a real revelation for me. Ordinarily when they are served in Western countries they come out of  a tin and offer only a bit of crunch to a dish but zero flavour. That aint the case for the fresh ones, they have a lovely sweet earthy taste and can bring a serious uniqueness to a stir fry. Here’s one I lashed out last weekend.

WATER CHESTNUT AND BARBECUED CHICKEN STIR FRY

The finished stir fry. I know I’m a muppet taking photos with my phone but I’m too broke to buy a posh camera. Anyone willing to give me one? Go on for fuck’s sake. I’d be wicked at food porn.

INGREDIENTS: SERVES 2

10 fresh water chestnuts

2 chicken fillets

2 large pak choi

2 thumb sized pieces of fresh ginger cut into matchsticks

5 cloves of roughly sliced garlic

2 scallions, sliced

2 servings of noodles. Whatever size you’re into. Cook them beforehand and let them cool.

A few slugs of Golden Mountain soy sauce – a Thai soy sauce. Buy it. It rocks.

1 tablespoon of peanut oil

1 tablespoon of lemon juice

500 ml of chicken stock

1 teaspoon of sesame seeds, toast them on a dry pan

2 teaspoon of pumpkin seeds, toast them on a dry pan

The water chestnuts before they get peeled.

METHOD:

You’ve gotta start with making the sauce. Boil up your chicken stock and stick in 4 cloves of garlic and the ginger. Let that simmer for half an hour.

Meanwhile, marinade your chicken in the lemon juice and a good slug of the Golden Mountain soy sauce.  When the sauce has cooked for 30 minutes, remove the garlic and ginger and throw in a couple of good glugs of the soy sauce to your own taste.  Leave the sauce on a low heat in the background.

I have a barbecue in my garden right outside my kitchen door so I tend to grill al fresco quite a lot.  If you don’t have that luxury, just stick your chicken fillets under the grill. When they’re done, let them sit while you crack on with everything else.

No doubt there is a better more efficient way to prepared water chestnuts but I just cut them with a knife to remove the outer husk while I sliced them into decent bits.  Quite often I steam pak choi and leave it whole but for this dish I cut them into quarters and put it into the wok. So once that’s done, you heat your wok up really high and throw in the oil. Once it starts to smoke carefully drop in the water chestnuts and start stirring them up.  Once they colour a little, lash in the pak choi. After a minute or so of more stirring, bring down the heat and add in the sauce, remaining garlic, scallions and noodles and whirl them into everything else.

While that heats through, slice up your chicken and introduce it into the wok. Stir for another minute. Sprinkle the seasame and pumpkin seeds into the wok and then serve.

Many thanks to Nguyen for taking the time out of her schedule for giving us such a wicked tour.  It was really cool of her. And many thanks to Sinead Ryan from Presence PR for organizing it all.

Those of you of a certain age, will recall that magicians who wanted to entertain the masses didn’t have to be suspended for days on end from glass cubes or enforce a hunger strike on themselves in blocks of ice. In the not so distant past, all that was required of them was a sharp wit, a charming (usually female) assistant and of course, the ability to perform the odd illusion or two. Paul Daniels was one such trickster. Not only did he tick all those boxes, but he had some damn fine catchphrases too. And if you thought that this more old school approach to showmanship wasn’t drawing crowds anymore, then think again. Paul is still packing them in and even after many decades in show business, continues to win praise from his peers and public.

Indeed when you are granted an opportunity with someone who has such a respected legacy under their belt, there was no way I could not ask him about the wildest trick he’s ever seen.”The production of a donkey and an elephant on an open stage by the late great Harry Blackstone.  No trapdoors, no cover, and there they were. Quite wonderful!”  And who was the greatest magician that ever lived?,“Merlin (if he ever actually lived) because people are still talking about him after hundreds of years.” That’s all very epic, but when it comes to food, Paul’s tastes are definitely more grounded. He may be a household name who has entertained millions, but serve him up some humble egg & chips and as he has says himself, “I am in heaven.” Sitting alongside Harry & Merlin perhaps?

PAUL DANIELS’ BAKED EGGS WITH SPICY SPUDS

INGREDIENTS, SERVES 2:

4 medium sized maris piper potatoes, washed and peeled

4 free range eggs

4 grilled rashers

6 cherry tomatoes, sliced

1 teaspoon each of smoked paprika, mustard powder and garlic powder

½ teaspoon each of salt and pepper

1 tablespoon of butter

2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil

METHOD:

Heat your oven to 180 degrees. Slice the potatoes lengthways, repeatedly to create evenly sized wedges. Lay them on a baking tray and then coat them in the olive oil. Combine all the dry ingredients and sprinkle them all over the spuds. Stick them in the oven for 45 minutes and shake the pan occasionally to prevent them from sticking.

Meanwhile,smear the butter all over the inside of two ramekins. Place 3 sliced cherry tomatoes on the bottom of each ramekin then put a rasher in each one. Carefully break an egg over each ramekin, taking care to let the white fall in first and keeping the yolk intact. Place them on a baking tray and bake for about 10 -12 minutes, until the egg has settled. Serve straight away with the spicy spuds.

Paul Daniels and Debbie Magee are doing a six date tour of Ireland that kicks off on May 1^st.

This piece can also be read in far more reputable publication, The Irish Times where I have a monthly column in the cultural and entertainment guide, The Ticket.

Green glorious green. It is quite literally everywhere right about now. Along with a shitload of media desperately trying to fill column spaces with the annual round up of “What does it mean to be Irish?” One thing’s for certain about our collective national identity, provincial complexes are still very much at play. The recent discovery of oil off the coast of Cork has given ample opportunity to the People’s Republicans to voice another request for independence. Pity these hapless fools didn’t read the small print, most of the dosh that’ll come from that won’t be boosting any part of their economy – it’ll mainly grease the pockets of O’Reilly Jnr, who happens to be half Greek and half Irish. Amazing that anyone with a bloodline like that can turn a profit.

If I were to adopt the same provincial attempts at pride myself, I’d be lashing out a big filthy Guinness stew this week. But I believe that all that needs to be said about our fair capital city was perfectly articulated by Dublin’s favourite wit, raconteur and all round pain in the Swiss, Mr. Eamonn MacEamonn, when he uttered the words,

“St. James’ Gate – the only place in Dublin, where the smell of Guinness is stronger than the smell of shite.”

In the interest of greater harmony amongst the counties, I have made a big fuck off pot of Irish beef stew with O’Hara’s Red Ale, a beautiful elixir that is brewed in Carlow. And that gives me a great opportunity to plug the Irish Craft Beer Festival which is taking place right now down at The IFSC until Monday. It’s a fantastic way to experience the amazing range of micro brewed and craft beers, ales and porters we make here. If for some reason, you haven’t had the chance to taste  these guaranteed Irish bevvies, you seriously need to get your hoop down there.

I myself have been very much enjoying the O’Hara’s range. All of them are lovely.

O’ HARA’S RED ALE  BEEF CASSEROLE WITH DALKEY MUSTARD  GNOCCHI

FOR THE CASSEROLE:

INGREDIENTS:

3 Pounds of Round Steak. Cut it yourself into bite size chunks. Trim off excessive fat but don’t throw that out.

1 Packet of Celery, washed and cut into 2 inch diagonally pieces

2 large onions, cut into ringlets (the Spanish ones are usually big enough)

6 Carrots, washed and cut into 2 inch diagonally pieces

1 litre of Beef Stock.  I think those jellied ones that Knorr do are doing pretty’ good. The rich beef one especially for a stew like this. I know it has a celebrity chef on it, but they’re still good.

2 bottles of O’Hara’s Red Ale

1 tablespoon of chopped fresh thyme

1 heaped tablespoon of freshly ground black pepper

2 tablespoons of Olive Oil

1 tablespoon of tomato puree

3/4 cup of plain flour

1 teaspoon of Wexford Honey

METHOD:

Pre heat your oven to 180 degrees.

Heat your oil in the big fuck off pot. If you don’t have a big fuck off pot just use two normal ones. Throw in that bit of fat from the round steak. Fry it until it browns then throw it out.

Fry the beef until it’s brown and then remove with a slotted spoon and place in a bowl to cool off.

Fry the onions until they go a little translucent, then throw in the carrots, celery, thyme, tomato puree and fry it all up for about five minutes.

As you cook the veg, check the beef to see if it’s cooled down. If so, then throw it into a clean plastic bag with the pepper and then lash in the flour on top of the meat by dropping it slowly through a sieve, so it doesn’t just fall into lumps. Then tie a knot in the bag at the top and swing it round so that the flour covers the meat.

Add the meat to the pot and again stir it for half a minute.

Pour in the stock and Ale and stir.

Bring to the boil on the stove with lid off. When it’s really hot put the lid on and then throw it into the oven @ 180 degrees for two hours.

When it’s done let it set for five minutes and stir in the honey. While that’s happening boil your Gnocchi. When they pop to the top of the pot, they’re done. Strain them and then lash them into your stew.

FOR THE GNOCCHI: CLICK HERE TO A RECIPE I KNOCKED OUT BEFORE

I see this as perfect Paddy Fodder for general, acting the maggot Paddy Whackery bad behaviour this weekend. This batch will serve at least 8. Give it a go and don’t forget to check out the Beer fest.