Just watched a repeated episode of that twat Nigella Lawson doing her whole “Express Christmas.” What a load of deplorable shite that was. There’s actually nothing about her that I like, not even her mammary glands that always seem to take pride of place in every show she’s made.
Her food is either gick or 100% lifted from somebody else. The filler bits before the food are always pointless, like the montage shots of her getting out of a cab and walking around shops with her Stepford Wife valium grin. But most irritating of all, is when she serves up the grub to the perfectly p.c. audience gathered round her table. There’s always the token Asian/African/Auld Wan, then the rest look like they were gathered up from a nearby posh hotel bar. The one thing that they have in common though, is the confused glare on all their faces as they’ve obviously never met before and have to wax lyrical about the food on offer. It’s a blatant pitch to the viewer of this surreal, perfect lifestyle where Benetton Ads are reenacted and everybody is unified in their mutual love for the gorgeous host. Wankology of the highest order and so very dated.
These visions of bizarre festive gatherings are so utterly removed from reality. It’s all well and good for Nigella and so many other TV food presenters, to be presenting their guests with home made blinis and crab rolls, but when is that ever gonna happen when any of us are knocking round to mates or family around the holidays? You’ll be lucky to get a ham sarnie with leftover sprouts. And besides, we all know that social calls taking place over the next 10 days or so are all about the gargoyle. Here are a few booze related suggestions, some are staples that you should all bloody well know by now.
MULLED WINE A LA LISTON’S ON CAMDEN STREET
Karen, the owner of the wonderful deli and food-store Liston’s must curse the day when she revealed to me the mad secret ingredient to her mulled wine that she lashes out every Christmas Eve. It’s Bulmer’s. And the funny thing about that is thatI fucking hate that shit. But this is the second best thing you could ever do with it. The first being, shoving a can of it up a chicken’s shitter and lashing it on the barbuecue.
Anyway, on to the mulled vino. Everybody needs to learn how to make this. It should be on the school curriculum alongside Peig and Catholic self loathing. Done properly, mulled wine is like a warm hug from someone you fancy. One thing though, if you’re gonna make some, make a shitload. The ingredients I give you here can easily be tripled or quadrupled.
1 bottle of a fresh beaujolais or cheap Spanish fresh rioja
1 can of Bulmer’s
1 mulled wine bouquet garni. Buy them pre-made from Liston’s
3 slices of orange, studded with cloves
1/2 a cinnamon stick
1 cup of golden sugar
Get a big fuck off pot. Lash in the liquid, bring to a strong simmer but not a boil. Take the temperature way down and then put everything else, stirring the sugar to let it dissolve.
Let it all combine for about 15 minutes. Get stuck in. Serve it from your cooker to keep it warm.
WHAT TO DO WITH THAT BOTTLE OF WHISKEY SOMEBODY GAVE YOU, WHEN YOU DON’T REALLY LIKE WHISKEY
Jenna Jameson, porn star and heir to the Jameson Whiskey fortune. One of these statements is factually correct.
There are always gifts you get at Chrimbo that make you wonder whether they’re second hand. Like the dusty looking bath salts from shops that don’t exist anymore. Or anything ornamental and porcelain. The same goes for bottles of whiskey. Especially when you arrive to someone’s gaff a day or two after the big day and you’ve just received a couple of bottles of spirits and you don’t mind passing one on. I have no doubt that a single bottle of spirits can easily have at least 3 owners over the course of a week.
So, if you have a bottle of whiskey that you don’t know what to do with, read 0n. This is a wicked whiskey punch, that has zero typical Christmas flavour, which is really good if you’re totally sick of festive spices and sweets.
1 bottle of Jameson
1/3 of a bottle of Elderflower Cordial
The juice of 2 lemons
1 cup of honey syrup. Make this by emptying 1 jar of honey into a pot and filling it up with 2 jars of boling water and stirring it up. It will keep, literallty forever.
1 pint of soda water
Pour everything except the soda water into a punch bowl. Stir it up with some ice. Then pour in the soda water and enjoy. Feel free to enjoy this on your own, if you happen to have a serious alcohol and quite prone to downing a whole bottle, then go for it. For all the rest of us, this is a party punch. Have the craic with it.
CHRISTMAS RUM PUNCH
7 Year Old Aged Havana Club Rum + Fresh Ginger + All Spice Berries + Star Anise + Brown Sugar + Tipperary Pressed Apple Juice = An exceptionally, tasty, spicy and fruity punch with a proper Christmas bling kick. The whole festive season in a glass.
These are on sale tonight in The Sugar Club for €7.50 a pop. The syrup with the juice and rum is kick ass. You can use the syrup for desserts with pie and ice cream too if you want.
INGREDIENTS: FOR SYRUP
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of water
A fistful of ginger, peeled and sliced
2 star anise
A teaspoon of all spice berries
Put all of these in a pot, bring it to the boil and then simmer for 15 minutes. Then, strain and put aside.
Other ingredients for the punch are Havana Club 7 year old and Karmine Tipperary Apple Juice – you can get that in Fallon & Byrne if you’re in town.
Shake 1 shot of rum, with 1 shot of syrup, 2 shots of apple juice and a fistful of ice. Strain into chilled glass.