Frank Sanazi’s Extreme White Christmas

Posted on: 29 December 2011 2 comments

I have never been ashamed to say, that I’ve a massive soft spot for sociopathic, tyrannical dictators.  If you’re feeling down in the dumps with a wee spot of post bender weekend depression, there is nothing quite so uplifting as chilling out to some smooth crooners while watching one of Hitler’s many speeches or observing fascinating pictures of Kim Jong Il, looking at things.

So you can imagine my unhindered delight, when I found out that through the wonders of modern science, a perfect hybrid of Frank Sinatra and Adolf Hitler was somehow formed. A creature that embodies all that is best about The Fuhrer and The Chairman of The Board – a cool charming velvet voice with all the aggression and genius of a great despot.  They call him Frank Sanazi, The Ubermeister of Lounge. He has graced our shores twice now and in the intimate surroundings of The Sugar Club has belted out such gems as “Third Reich”, “Strangers on My Flight” and “Big Bad Chairman Mao”.

Frank.Sanazi1

Frank Sanazi – the founder of the new Germanic musical movement, “Fatherlounge.”

But when Frank started hatching plans for his Uber Welt Domination Comeback Tour, he knew he couldn’t do it solo. Allies were needed. That’s why he quickly formed The Iraq Pack  and recruited like minded vocalists with a penchant for autocracy. Guys like Osama Bing Crosby - Saddami Davis Junior and Russia’s very own, Dean Stalin.

Apparently the boys have a nice Christmas tradition where they all hang out in the bunker and entertain the frauleine with songs, cocktails and lashings and lashings of Frank’s favourite German/Italian festive cuisine – White Christmas with ribbon and truffle pasta.

I caught up with Frank the other day to see how the plans for his Fourth Reich were coming along and to see how his Chrimbo meal went….

- So Frank, you’re obviously quite the epicurean, who would you say
had a greater influence on your kitchen pursuits? Eva Braun or Ava
Gardner?

In answer to your question, both Eva & Ava were gute around ze Kitchen – unfortunately in later years Eva didn’t have the space to produce such culinary delights and supplies were becoming short! She did teach me some fantastische Christmas treats though. Zis year I did a special tray of her ‘Minced Spies’ made ze old fashioned vay using proper Mince Meat imported from France. Unt ven I approached ze Iraq Pack to discuss our World Domination Tour it vos zis time of year unt meinself & Eva cooked up a beautiful ‘Roast Goose-step’ vit all ze trimmings. They included Brussel Krauts unt Boiled Swedes – Vun must insist zat ze Goose is stuffed full of Sage & Onion unt set ze oven to Gas Mark Nein for 2 hours!

- With all those crazy  Yuletide celebrations you guys had, who amongst The Iraq Pack did what? Did  Sadammi Davis Jnr whisk up the cocktails and help keep up the banter mit ze dames while Dean Stalin kept the home help in line?

Ze Pre- Xmas Molotov cocktails are normally left to Osama Bing Crosby to knock up before Xmas dinner. Unfortunately Osama didn’t return my invite….in fact he’s stopped all correspondence for some reason . It is a pity as he used to mix a great ‘ Cherry Bomb’ ( Vodka, Cherry Brandy and Tabasco) zis vill blow ze pants off any infidel.

Of course ze Xmas festivities would not be complete without a Sing-a-long and extreme renditions of such Xmas classics as ‘ Rudolph Hess Knows Pain Dear’ & ‘ Gestapo, Gestapo, Gestapo’ as well as ‘George Bush Nuts roasting on an Open Fire’ it is made all the more enjoyable if mein daughter Nancy is over from The USA for the Holidays after their ‘Yanks Giving’.
This year we were joined by Tony Benito after his invite to join Kim Jong Il had been withdrawn, this was the 2nd rejection for poor old Tony as Gadaffi’s party was also cut short. He was worried he may have to accept Mugabe’’s offer of a Black Forrest Ghetto with Supreme White Sauce!

- But with such great minds all in the one underground bunker, it couldn’t have all been baubles, bangles unt beanz? I’d say you must have had some serious strategic ordering to get sorted.

Xmas is a great time for planning another invasion and all ze Iraq pack boys are gearing up for another ‘World Domination’ push ..I have already made inroads into Ireland and fed ze troops on ze local diet of ‘Cold Cannon’ vit a touch of ‘Saurkraut’ for major advances!

WHITE CHRISTMAS PUDDING WITH VON RIBBONTROP PASTA

White.Pud.1

INGREDIENTS:
6 white puddings ( I usually use ze German black puddings called blutwurst, but hey, it vas Christmas where White is Right)
600 g fresh ribbon pasta
2 tbsp truffle oil
sea salt, for ze seasoning
freshly ground black pepper
1 white truffle

METHOD:

Place ze white puddings on ze grill pan and cook for 12 minutes or until golden brown, turning occasionally.

Meanwhile, bring a large pan of water to ze boil, add ze pasta and cook according to what Benito calls “Al Dente”.

Heat a big pot.  Pour half of ze truffle oil and a little seasoning into ze pot and turn to coat ze inside. Add ze pasta, drizzle over ze remaining oil and sprinkle with a little more seasoning. Toss well.

Slice ze white pudding. Finely slice ze white truffle using a truffle slicer. Add both to ze pasta and serve IMMEDIATELY!

Frank.Sanazi2

Dessert was a pretty wild affair in Ze Bunker this year.

If I may, I’d like to leave the last few words back to Frank. He has some sage advice for all you wild and whacky Burlesque and Cabaret lovers who might be attending their New Year’s Eve Ball tomorrow night.

Remember don’t drink & drive on ze New Year’s Eve. If you can, try to  take ze cab home. The Iraq Pack recommends ‘Schindler’s Lifts’.

Gee Eyed For Chrimbo – The How To Guide

Posted on: 22 December 2011 No comments

Just watched a repeated episode of that twat Nigella Lawson doing her whole “Express Christmas.” What a load of deplorable shite that was. There’s actually nothing about her that I like, not even her mammary glands that always seem to take pride of place in every show she’s made.

Her food is either gick or 100% lifted from somebody else. The filler bits before the food are always pointless, like the montage shots of her getting out of a cab and walking around shops with her Stepford Wife valium grin.  But most irritating of all, is when she serves up the grub to the perfectly p.c. audience gathered round her table. There’s always the token Asian/African/Auld Wan, then the rest look like they were gathered up from a nearby posh hotel bar. The one thing that they have in common though, is the confused glare on all their faces as they’ve obviously never met before and have to wax lyrical about the food on offer.  It’s a blatant pitch to the viewer of this surreal, perfect lifestyle where Benetton Ads are reenacted and everybody is unified in their mutual love for the gorgeous host. Wankology of the highest order and so very dated.

These visions of bizarre festive gatherings are so utterly removed from reality. It’s all well and good for Nigella and so many other TV food presenters, to be presenting their guests with home made blinis and crab rolls, but when is that ever gonna happen when any of us are knocking round to mates or family around the holidays? You’ll be lucky to get a ham sarnie with leftover sprouts.  And besides, we all know that social calls taking place over the next 10 days or so are all about the gargoyle.  Here are a few booze related suggestions, some are staples that you should all bloody well know by now.

MULLED WINE A LA LISTON’S ON CAMDEN STREET

Liston's1

Karen, the owner of the wonderful deli and food-store Liston’s must curse the day when she revealed to me the mad secret ingredient to her mulled wine that she lashes out every Christmas Eve. It’s Bulmer’s. And the funny thing about that is thatI fucking hate that shit. But this is the second best thing you could ever do with it. The first being, shoving a can of it up a chicken’s shitter and lashing it on the barbuecue.

Anyway, on to the mulled vino. Everybody needs to learn how to make this. It should be on the school curriculum alongside Peig and Catholic self loathing. Done properly, mulled wine is like a warm hug from someone you fancy. One thing though, if you’re gonna make some, make a shitload. The ingredients I give you here can easily be tripled or quadrupled.

INGREDIENTS:

1 bottle of a fresh beaujolais or cheap Spanish fresh rioja

1 can of Bulmer’s

1 mulled wine bouquet garni. Buy them pre-made from Liston’s

3 slices of orange, studded with cloves

1/2 a cinnamon stick

1 cup of golden sugar

METHOD:

Get a big fuck off pot. Lash in the liquid, bring to a strong simmer but not a boil. Take the temperature way down and then put everything else, stirring the sugar to let it dissolve.

Let it all combine for about 15 minutes. Get stuck in.  Serve it from your cooker to keep it warm.

WHAT TO DO WITH THAT BOTTLE OF WHISKEY SOMEBODY GAVE YOU, WHEN YOU DON’T REALLY LIKE WHISKEY

Jenna.

Jenna Jameson, porn star and heir to the Jameson Whiskey fortune. One of these statements is factually correct.

There are always gifts you get at Chrimbo that make you wonder whether they’re second hand. Like the dusty looking bath salts from shops that don’t exist anymore. Or anything ornamental and porcelain. The same goes for bottles of whiskey. Especially when you arrive to someone’s gaff a day or two after the big day and you’ve just received a couple of bottles of spirits and you don’t mind passing one on. I have no doubt that a single bottle of spirits can easily have at least 3 owners over the course of a week.

So, if you have a bottle of whiskey that you don’t know what to do with, read 0n. This is a wicked whiskey punch, that has zero typical Christmas flavour, which is really good if you’re totally sick of festive spices and sweets.

INGREDIENTS:

1 bottle of Jameson

1/3 of a bottle of Elderflower Cordial

The juice of 2 lemons

1 cup of honey syrup. Make this by emptying 1 jar of honey into a pot and filling it up with 2 jars of boling water and stirring it up. It will keep, literallty forever.

1 pint of soda water

METHOD:

Pour everything except the soda water into a punch bowl. Stir it up with some ice. Then pour in the soda water and enjoy. Feel free to enjoy this on your own, if you happen to have a serious alcohol and quite prone to downing a whole bottle, then go for it. For all the rest of us, this is a party punch. Have the craic with it.

CHRISTMAS RUM PUNCH

Xmas.Cocktails

7 Year Old Aged Havana Club Rum + Fresh Ginger + All Spice Berries + Star Anise + Brown Sugar + Tipperary Pressed Apple Juice = An exceptionally, tasty, spicy and fruity punch with a proper Christmas bling kick. The whole festive season in a glass.

These are on sale tonight in The Sugar Club for €7.50 a pop.  The syrup with the juice and rum is kick ass. You can use the syrup for desserts with pie and ice cream too if you want.

INGREDIENTS: FOR SYRUP

1 cup of brown sugar

1 cup of water

A fistful of ginger, peeled and sliced

2 star anise

A teaspoon of all spice berries

Put all of these in a pot, bring it to the boil and then simmer for 15 minutes. Then, strain and put aside.

Other ingredients for the punch are Havana Club 7 year old and Karmine Tipperary Apple Juice – you can get that in Fallon & Byrne if you’re in town.

METHOD:

Shake 1 shot of rum, with 1 shot of syrup, 2 shots of apple juice and a fistful of ice.  Strain into chilled glass.

P.S.

Rest In Peace - Christopher Hitchens. A bloke whose work I always loved reading. Six years ago the good man had this to say about Christmas, it’s fucking gas.

Chrimbo Drizzle Cake

Posted on: 15 December 2011 No comments

There are two major problems with Christmas Pudding. The first being, that 99% of us, think that it’s total fucking muck. No matter how much Jameson you lob in there and incinerate it, for me it still tastes like someone found a dead magpie in a ditch and threw it in a blender with some raisins.

The second problem with Christmas pudding, is that the 99% of us who hate it, never get our shit together to present a half decent alternative. It’s like we don’t want to insult the 1% who actually remember to get a pudding (nobody makes them anymore), because if you refuse it, you’re branded as being a wet sponge anti-christmas killjoy.  And with all the shite we have to get sorted, you can be hardly be blamed to “forget the Chrimbo pud”, especially when at the back of your mind, you want everybody to consign the bloody thing to oblivion anyway.

But here’s something that might help out the fellow 99 percenters. It’s a recipe given to me last week by me good pal Sinéad. She is an exceptionally deadly cook and for the last decade or so, this cake has been a firm favourite in her “Can Not Go Wrong” collection. She’s right. I made it with my two small nippers on Sunday and it was bang on easy.

Her recipe is a Tunisian Almond & Orange Cake, but for the purposes of lashing something out for the festive season, I have altered it to pump up out the Christmas bling tastes. If you want, you can always make it in advance and freeze it. Or just make it on Christmas Eve. Either way, you will be a dinner table hero of the people. Fuck the 1 percent.

CHRIMBO DRIZZLE CAKE

Bally.1

MIX THESE DRY INGREDIENTS:

45g Slightly Stale White Breadcrumbs
200g Caster Sugar
100g Ground Almonds
1 and a half level teaspoons Baking Powder

MIX THESE WET INGREDIENTS:

200ml Sunflower/Vegetable Oil
4 medium eggs
Finely grated zest of 2 limes

MAKE YOUR SYRUP BY…

Putting half a pint of water in a small pot with:

1 cup of caster sugar

1 cinnamon stick

4 whole cloves

1 teaspoon of all spice

2 cardamom pods

2 thumb sized pieces of skinned, fresh ginger

2 star anise

Bring it all up to the boil, then let it simmer for about 10 minutes. Let it cool, then strain into a jug.

TO BAKE THE CAKE:

Add liquid to dry ingredients and mix.
Pour into greased 8-inch loose bottom baking tin (I used a brownie tray, that works too).
Place in cold oven and set to 190 degrees.  Bake for 45/50 minutes until top is golden brown and skewer comes out clean (oily is okay).  I find it can take longer depending on the oven. If you think it’s getting too brown on top, just stick a saucepan lid on top.

Allow to cool and remove from tin.  Place on plate with raised lip, or in shallow bowl. (or keep in tin if transporting…….). Prick the surface of the cake with a toothpick or skewer.  Pour over about half of the syrup. Then mix the rest in with some decent Greek yoghurt or creme fraiche and dollop on each serving.

Bally.2

For those of you with a fear of baking, the inside should look like that. As a recovering baking-phobe, I know these images can help.

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